Same Mindset

So why is it that centuries later, Dickens still continues to be revered by the world’s literary circle? His novels are still read and enjoyed with enthusiasm. May be because it was through impactful characters like Miss Havisham that he immortalized himself — producing literature that he knew would stand the test of time.

One and a half century later, are we not the proverbial prodigies of Miss Havisham? In the 21st century, as South Asian women, we continue to live in a society where we feel so bogged down by social pressures that marrying Mr. Wrong at the so-called right age of 25 years or below, is considered better than getting married to Mr. Right at 25 or above. And of course, ‘Social Pressures‘ is one blanket term we all profusely use, believing that it would evidence and manifest its implications in people’s minds conveniently, but here it is essential to identify some important social pressures from today’s time.

Only recently, I happened to browse facebook, where a ‘Rishta Group’ had an anonymous post by a lady. It read: “Rishtas from respectable and well-mannered boys’ families. We encourage professional girls. GIRLS, 25 YEARS OLD OR ABOVE, WILL BE CHARGED SEPARATELY. Inbox us for further details.”

Another example that I cannot brush out of my head is that of a lady who apparently does not charge money for the matrimonial matches she helps fix, but deals only in ’young bachiyaan’. Upon inquiring as to what “young” was like to her, she told me that around 27 was okay, but it would be better if the girl is somewhere between 20 and 25. To give her point of view a seemingly more analytical and rational approach, she quoted her experience in the business and stated a weird ratio of 1 to 8, wherein each kunwara guy she had on her list had the choice of around 8 kunwari approvable girls. So, in her eyes, the younger the girl, the more potential she had of being approved by His Highness.

Another case is that of an elderly, religious couple who have a son and a daughter. They got their daughter married at 25; recently the daughter was looking to be examined by a female gynecologist only and it so turned out that the couple now also wishes for this female doctor to ensure that the operation theatre solely consists of female assistants/doctors/nurses at the time of delivery. Ironically, the same couple wants a wife for their son who is educated, but does not have any intentions to work after marriage.

The most pinching of the incidents is that of a 24-year old girl from Lahore who is well-educated and well-read. Sometime back she had to give up her career because her future in-laws were not happy about her desire for professional growth after marriage. Her five-month old nikkah revealed to her that her parents-in-law were greedy and selfish people, whose ruthless pre-rukhsati demands and her husband’s incapacity to take a stand for her, had rendered her feeling strangulated in the nikkah contract that she was now bound to. Not only did they want her to get a car for her dowry at the time of her rukhsati, but also demanded a plot in DHA along with several other goodies.

She kept telling her family about this but they kept quiet and surrendered before all these demands as they feared their daughter would be labeled as a “divorced girl” if they broke off the nikkah. She now lives with the same person… and of course the marriage is not a happy one. The question is, did her parents not fathom as to what good a marriage would be in the long run if it had foundations that were so besmirched with fraudulent schemes? So really, whose fault was the unhappy life she was living? Were it the in-laws or her own parents who, despite knowing the character of the family, left their daughter to rot in hell for the fear of a “divorcee” tag at 24? She was educated, from a good family and had her entire life in front of her. Couldn’t she have never found a better person later?

These are the issues that generate the kind of pressures that push girls the moment they turn 25, into accepting any guy, regardless of how problematic or difficult he is. The term ‘single’ is used for girls who are either 25 or below, whereas the more disturbing ‘unmarried’/ ‘spinster’ is used to label the ones who are above the crucial age bracket.

As we ponder over the disturbing picture of such girls, we wonder what would be happening to the ones in the downtrodden belts. If we send our educated women to the gallows of regressive households just so that they are married at the magical age of around 25, what good are we contributing to our society? By marrying unsupportive men who do not encourage their financial independence and/or further education, what kind of mothers will they be for their future generations?

As a society, do we never think that these women with the kind of unhappiness that they received from their married lives, will be psychologically indoctrinated with a certain bitterness, which they would like to reciprocate and channelize later to other women, and so what kind of mothers-in-law would they be to their sons’ future wives?

Unhappy marriages in turn breed unhappy households that later subdivide into so many unhappy men and women who then transfer their personal frustrations and disturbances to every person they meet. They politicize their domestic as well as their work environments, creating a toxic atmosphere everywhere they go.

Something that this society needs to understand is that marrying girls late is better than marrying them wrong. Why as a society are we hell-bent on creating depressed and destitute Miss Havishams out of our educated lot, when they need to be as strengthened and empowered as Ibsen’s Nora Helmers?

Let us educate our daughters at institutions and at home in such a way that they respect and value themselves well enough to not be presented, accepted or rejected as ornaments. Let us also educate our sons in such a fashion that they do not take the presence of their wives for granted, and value them for their contributions. This can ensure a better society for our future generations.