Save Me from Sehat Card

Anyone with smidgeon of knowledge about reading faces could fathom that Nawaz Sharif, the former three times prime minister of Pakistan, had not pleasantly received the news that the medical board formed by the Punjab provincial government, declared that medical reports he had sent from London were incomplete and thus inadmissible.

Mid-January, the board, comprising nine senior physicians, as advised by the federal government, submitted its report to Lahore High Court.

The committee found that the submitted documents only include details of correspondence between doctors and the Sharif family. Missing of course, were any authentic reports regarding platelets, bone marrow and other issues allegedly being faced by the former prime minister.

Of course, consultation was due, and at hand was former finance minister and to boot, his younger daughter’s father-in-law, Ishaq Dar.

Fortified with a few tall glasses of lassi, Nawaz Sharif, asked, “Ishaq, you know that in this situation, when I don’t have the help of notes, I rely on what I have seen on Pakistani TV channels’ ticker tapes. Did you too note that this board included, not one but two female doctors? Now tell me, you know that I am Mr. Nawaz Sharif, obviously a man, so how could two female doctors diagnose a man’s illnesses. I would say, we need to share this with our lawyers. We need to object to this board. How can a woman judge a man’s illness, like bone marrow? I know this much medicine that a man’s bone is bigger than a woman’s bone.”

“My brother, I would say, Google has also created problems for us. You sent certificates from Dr. David R. Lawrence. Instead of thinking that he is a white Harley Street doctor, they Googled and saw that he is an Indian living here under a white name.”

“Really! Ishaq, I say let me call (former planning minister) Ahsan Iqbal to fly here with a box of Fair and Lovely cream, and after David uses it, we can put his white doctor photo.”

“But my brother, (prime minister) Imran Khan is going to use the medical board’s recommendations to initiate legal proceedings against Shehbaz, who is your guarantor.”

“Ishaq, I think that I made the mistake of not challenging this board and asking that only Adnan Khan (executive director of the family-owned Sharif Medical Research Center) can send my reports. He invented so many illnesses in me that I cannot count them on all my fingers and toes. Ishaq, if anyone asks that you should lend me some of your fingers and toes for counting all my diseases, you should take a stay order against it.

“Did I tell you that when this David told me that I have auto immune disease too, I said that I am Loin of Punjab in London, how could I have autorickshaw disease. He told me that even loin can get autorickshaw illness.

“You know Lahore High Court has some lovely people like justices Ali Baqar Najfi and Sardar Ahmad Naeem who left me free. You remember that Imran Khan was demanding from me indemnity bonds of Rs 7 billion. But then Shehbaz and I looked at them in a special way that they understand that we have had no access to making money since August 2018, so they said give undertakings on Rs 50 stamp papers only.”

“My brother, even so, we should go to court and now. Justice Naeem is retiring in June… but at least Najfi is here till 2025…”

“God be praised….”

At this moment, Dar pauses, eyes throbbing, and blurts, “My brother, look at this [TV] ticker… bad news come in droves. You remember Adiala Jail…”

“Sort of… [with a chuckle] I was mostly in hospital…”

“Well, here you have it that the jail’s doctors have declared Zahir Jaffer… the man who murdered the girl, Noor, is physically and mentally fit [to stand trial]. Not just that, they have submitted their report to the additional sessions judge... the trial judge…”

“But… but Ishaq look here. [Daughter] Maryam sent this WhatsApp that her chacha (uncle)… my little brother Shehbaz [Sharif, the Leader of the Opposition in the National Assembly], has tested positive for Covid again…he is now isolated at home and resting as advised by his doctor…”

“My brother, that’s good work. And we have another card up our sleeve that he is also a cancer survivor… No way he can go to courts.

“Also, I was reading old files. His undertaking only says that if you do not return to the country, he (Shehbaz) will pay a fine…”

“Fantastic. I will tell Shehbaz to cut a check on one of our offshore accounts and then order stop payment… Imran Khan only wants to humiliate me by getting the court to get me treated through his Sehat Card… that’s why Asif Zardari has banned it in Sindh. Anyway, Ahsan Iqbal says that I invented this card in April 1985 when I became Punjab chief minister.”