Sikhs Too Will Learn

Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has summoned home minister Amit Shah, agriculture and farmers welfare minister Narendra Singh Tomar, along with his ministers of state Shobha Karandlaje and Kailash Choudhary, minority affairs minister Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi, and the never-to-be-missed national security advisor Ajit Doval.

As they are ushered in, there is a scene behold. The prime minister who habitually greets his invitees with a round of gao mutra, is instead pouring the liquid over his head. Ostensibly, the third glass is being emptied, as they eye two empty ones standing on his desk. A distinct murmur could be heard emanating from the prime minister’s lips: ‘Lord Vishnu forgive me for caving-in to those @#%& Sikhs’.

For the uninitiated, Vishnu, a blue-skinned production with four arms, one of which holds a club-like mace, one of the three most popular gods, is known as the god of love, benevolence, and forgiveness.

Modi, who has grown to stardom unleashing clubs and maces at the country’s minorities, was seeking such solace.

The already seated, information and broadcasting minister Anurag Thakur is receiving splashes flying off his boss’ head.

Even the best of sycophants would adamantly admit that the leader of a billion and plus is not emotionally stable.

Upon seeing them enter, he quickly drains the glass in hand on his head, signals them to be seated, and nods Thakur to pass the printouts of the November 18, New York Times report whose headline proclaims, ‘In a Rare Show of Weakness, Modi Bows to India’s Farmers’.

As they get to reading it, where some of the most offensive parts have been highlighted, the prime minister calls for a round of gao mutra for all.

“Amit, wasn’t it your idea that I greenlight Sikh pilgrims to cross the border [into Pakistan] ahead of their [religion’s founder] Guru Nanak’s birth anniversary? Didn’t you bring the summary that Imran Khan had laid the trap by opening the visa-free Kartarpur Corridor, fearing that it had already brainwashed Indian Sikhs… you kept blabbering that we should tread carefully and were worried that their referendum would open wounds of 1984 [anti-Sikh riots].

“Did you see the headlines? ‘In Rare Show of Weakness, Modi Bows to India’s Farmers.’ The only thing they missed in humiliating us further was putting farmers instead of Sikhs. And the subhead is not sparing anything for imagination: ‘A bungled response to Covid and a struggling economy have hurt his party’s standing, leaving it vulnerable to a well-organized protest movement.’

“I am not like Indira [Gandhi, the prime minister assassinated by Sikhs] … I have 7 million soldiers of my Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh. My Sarsanghchalak (commander) is Mohan Bhagwat… how many years does a general remain our chief of armed services… just three years… my commander has been at the helm for 12 years. My soldiers would have made butter chicken out of these imbecilic rowdies.
“That October 31 [1984], only 17000 of them were chucked off, but this October 31, I would have swept them off the map.

“I should have refused getting panicked by you and taught them a lesson so that like Afghans they would be entered in refugee camps… in their Kartarpur. What farming … Our great Sarsanghchalak, Madhavrao Sadashivrao Golwalkar warned us that Christians and Muslims were internal threats… I wonder how he missed listing these vermin… these Sikhs.”

Doval respectfully offers, “My Worshipful Pradhan Mantri, you know their so-called Khalistan referendum in London had thirty thousand… and these exercises are going on. Although, nongovernmental and nonbinding, but they will use them to seek a binding UN vote on establishing independent homelands for the indigenous people, including them, the single largest group. I was thus outright perturbed… You know that these farmers will not vote for us ever again.”

Splashing his face with gao mutra, Modi transfers his menacing eyes at Samant Goel, ‎secretary, of Research and Analysis Wing (RAW; the country’s spy agency), “Samant, what were you drinking when ISI (Pakistani spy agency) was pulling this rug from under our feet…”

“Honorable Pradhan Mantri, but you… Amit… opened the corridor, leaving our Sikhs an easy prey for ISI…”

Once again, taking a big gulp of his gao mutra, a visibly amber-dripping Modi, seats himself, pounds his table, and declares, “Narendra Singh, tell these vermin, before their Kartarpur skit is over that they are not India’s farmers… yes, I admit being misled by you, and especially our Bharatiya Kisan Sangh (Indian Farmers' Front) president Basvegowda. Our Rig Veda says Krithi Mit Krishwa (farm yourself), so hell to these vermin, our seven million RSS soldiers are India’s farmers. Ajit, open a few German books and get the designs, so they enjoy their Khalistan in internment camps.
“We will make more money for India than they did. Just take gao mutra… India has the patent for it.

“Enough is enough. I am transferring [Lieut. Gen. Syed Ata] Hasnain, our 15 Corps commander from Kashmir, and he will give them the Kashmiri treatment. Muslims have learnt it and after Narendra Modi conducts Operation Saffron Star, Sikhs too will learn their place in India.”