Satire
Taliban and American Commands
Tucker Carlson of Fox News talk-show 'Tucker Carlson Tonight' has invited T.R. “Tim” Thumpschitz, Ph.D., president of Southwest Asia Strategies, following the State Department’s press release that the U.S., the European Union, Australia, Britain, Japan, and others have condemned the Taliban over alleged “summary killings” of former members of the Afghan security forces; and have demanded quick investigations.
“Dr. Thumpschitz welcome to our 'Tucker Carlson Tonight'. You too must be following the horrid news that the Taliban are carrying out summary trials and executions of our, now vanquished Afghan allies. So how do you see it?”
“Tucker, this is most despicable. Don’t they know that this is the reason why we are not recognizing their regime, nor releasing their foreign exchange reserves with us. Tucker, but of note is that we give and supply weapons with clear stipulations. Like Pakistan can’t use our weapons against India, even in war, although they have paid for them. Here we had taken the weapons and military vehicles for the Afghans to fight the Taliban, and the Taliban are violating our terms of supply. They took troves of this stuff from surrendering Afghan soldiers. But the United States believes in laws.”
“Dr. Thumpschitz…”
“Tucker, call me Tim…”
“Tim, does it merit a suit in the International Criminal Court?”
“Yes, of course, but then if we take a legal stand, we are recognizing them. So, I go with the strategy of starving them into surrender.
“Like after we defeated Hitler’s Germany, we didn’t set up summary courts. We had the Nuremburg court with special powers, where we were prosecutor and judge, so minutes after a guy was found guilty, he was executed. No need to spend 20 years going up to the Supreme Court in appeals.
“Let me explain here a bit, our Supreme Court has recognized the legal right that prior to the signing of a peace treaty, our country can use a military tribunal for trying and punishing anyone who in a occupied territory committed a crime.
“The Taliban signed a peace treaty with us, which is the Qatar talks. So, they can’t use this precedent in prosecuting the army we raised, or we thought we had raised. And, some 20 years ago, the Taliban were driven out by our forces, they never signed a surrender document with us.
“We are right to demand that the cases reported by Human Rights Watch must be investigated promptly and in a transparent manner. Like see, the humanitarian laws we follow in Guantanamo. For 20 years, we haven’t tried them, but kept them… you can’t even say, under trial.
“Our State Department has rightly expressed deep concern regarding human rights abuses. Now, I was at a seminar, and someone tried to bring up the issue of us not releasing their $9 billion foreign currency reserves, and the guy tried connecting human rights to the starvation facing Afghans. My answer was straightforward, at the talks, in Doha, the U.S. had asked the Taliban to provide access to education for women and girls across the country. What education has to do with money? They can pay teachers with what they have in plenty like walnuts and almonds and pine-nuts.
“Like us, all our allied powers work according to laws and established systems. Like we have Fulbright and Britain has Chevening scholarships that we employed for raising pro-war racist Afghans for a reason. Those with connections to pro-war political elites obtained them hoping to become tomorrow's leaders. They were our hope. Now the Taliban have upended their futures... and of course, our investments.”
“Tim, the Taliban look like hillbillies, but they seem to be street smart.”
“Tucker, they are insidious. Yet, another dangerous development I see is that instead of waiting for us to recognize them and then for American, British, Australian, and European mining companies to exploit their resources, the Afghan or in fact, I should say, Taliban minister of mines and petroleum Shahabuddin Dilawar met with Mansoor Ahmad Khan, the Pakistan ambassador there to discuss among other things trade, transit, connectivity, and technical cooperation in all areas including mineral development. Of note is the mineral category… lithium and all.”
Carlson asks, “When we are not recognizing the Taliban, how Pakistan has an ambassador there?”
“Illegally! Tucker, we will continue to measure the Taliban by their actions. And that means how well they carry American commands.” ![]()

Omer Bin Abdullah, a magazine editor in his other life, blogs at https://chaiwhy.wordpress.com


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