Master of Purse Strings

Pakistan Peoples Party inheritor co-chairman and former Pakistan president Asif Zardari’s assurance to Maulana Fazlur Rehman, chief of his eponymous faction of Jamiat Ulema-e Islam and chairman of the Pakistan Democratic Movement, has caused consternation in the camp of Shehbaz Sharif, president of the family-owned Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz and leader of the opposition in the National Assembly.

Of course, Shehbaz is on the line with the Maulana, “My Most Respected Maulana, why should I learn from the media that you talked to Asif Zardari and told him that you will soon contact the government's allies to make the no-confidence motion a success? Why are you spilling our secrets to him?”

The Maulana retorts, “Shehbaz, but didn’t you invite him and his son to lunch? So, did you folks just eat what are your brother’s favorite foods, or talked too?”

A pained Shehbaz continues, “You know the court is indicting me and (son) Hamza… and to top it all, this medical board, in response the government’s please over my guarantee of brother Nawaz, has declared that Dr. Shawl’s letter is of no value. And you are telling me that a committee would also be constituted to contact the government's allies; and that too the members of the committee would be announced later.

“Really! Later! And don’t you remember how Zardari failed in the Senate State Bank vote! Didn’t he got (former prime minister Yousuf Raza) Gilani elected, and then elected leader of the opposition… and who failed to show up that we lost the State Bank powers vote… Gilani.”

The Maulana retorts, “My dear Shehbaz, you and Zardari need to relax because it is my turn to be prime minister. Admit it that you don’t have street power, except the few journalists whom your niece (Maryam Nawaz) sends gift baskets. And Zardari has a few waderas (landlords) to truck their haris (bonded workers) and nothing beyond rural Sindh. It is I, Maulana Fazlur Rehman, who has hundreds of thousands of madrassa students at his command. When I march, you will be giving excuses that you are off finding a doctor to keep you out of jail. Zardari will transfer to his wheelchair and Bilawal will need half a dozen members of the Sindh cabinet to babysit him... like hold his water bottle and tissue paper.

“Zardari is past. He has nothing except the slogan Bhutto Zinda Hayy. No need to remind you that American ambassador to Pakistan Anne Patterson would never forgot the lunch I served her in 2007. I am told that Americans keep the memory of people who have feted them on something called the Rolodex… I think it is a kind of Rolex watch… she will have me listed at F for Fazl and R for Rehman. She can’t miss me… this yellow turban remains embedded in her memory.

“I can’t stand Zardari coming up with the excuse that Bilawal should be prime minister because an astronomer has told him that he can’t get married till he becomes prime minister. Nonsense! I have been starving for nearly four years… you know the rents in Islamabad… I came to know about them when Imran Khan threw me out of the ministerial house that I had lived for 15 years for free without ever being a minister.”

Shehbaz continues, “Yes, Maulana, I fully fathom your pain. I too, for nearly four years now have subsisted on income from selling milk and chicken… for my chicken, I had to build the Sharif Feed Mills… for the buffaloes and cows, I had to set up the Sharif Dairy Farms…”

Fazl interrupts, “Enough! Stop moaning. You don’t have street power, but you have lots of kenneled journalists, especially talk show hosts … I admire the way you and your brother (Nawaz) brought them to your kennel that they to leash. Just to help you find a better source of income, I can offer you the environment ministry. You know the money to be made when someone setting an industry needs an environmental clearance….”

Shehbaz, curtsies and adds, “It is so generous of you. May I please request that also have a heart for my son, Hamza and my niece, Maryam…”

Fazl runs his loving hand on Shehbaz’s head and adds, “Indeed you are kind-hearted. Not only you care for your child but also your brother’s child. I am told that Maryam likes Louboutin shoes… I guess, it must be French… tell her, I will make her ambassador to France that way she can buy containerloads of Louboutins….”

Shehbaz interjects, “And Hamza…”

Fazl rudely interrupts, “Shehbaz, let me continue. Of course, I have family too. You are getting environment… which is a good earner. I have put key ministries like power, defense procurement, energy procurement and all… my brothers (party vice president) Sen. Maulana Atta ur Rehman, Maulana Lutf ur Rehman (former MPA), and Maulana Obaidur Rehman (MPA), and of course my son Asad Mahmood (senator). While I will promote my brother Zia-ur-Rehman, who is a grade-19 officer currently, to finance secretary, and my son-in-law Afaq Jan Begukhel… should get the commerce ministry…”

Shehbaz quick whispers, “And those who will sell us their votes…”

Fazl sternly declares, “First, comes my family… Remember that I will be the master of purse strings… then come others.”