Mystery of Medical Certificates

The Supreme Court of Pakistan, which had reserved its decision on Muttahida Qaumi Movement-Pakistan’s (MQM-P) plea on Oct, 26, 2020, announced its verdict on January 31, directing the Sindh government to devolve financial, administrative and political powers, as the Constitution requires to local government.

Of course, any challenge to authority and money flow, causes acute depression to the wadera-in-chief Asif Zardari, Pakistan Peoples Party’s inheritor-chairman and a former president of Pakistan.

Piled ashtrays surrounded him. It was not the sort of heartburn that two tablets of Pepto-Bismol could ameliorate.

He sat in solitude mulling that inevitably criminal charges against him fizzle out for the never-to-be-doubted ‘lack of evidence’ but tremors like the Supreme Court’s January 31 negative judgement, that too retiring chief justice Gulzar Ahmed’s parting shot, could not be discounted.

A sudden tinkle of his cellphone unsettled the self-camaraderie, but he picked it. It was Nawaz Sharif, the three times former prime minister and president-for-life of his eponymous faction of the Pakistan Muslim League.

“My dear brother… Asif, I was just checking on you. Yes, [former finance minister] Ishaq Dar explained to me the Sindh Local Government Act related negative judgment. I hope that you are faring well.”

“Oh, yes Nawaz. I am bearing it. I am beginning to doubt the efficacy of Pepto-Bismol… have had the fourth doze, and the heartburn is as fresh as what cattle feel when they are branded with hot prods.

“No doubt… my station as Ek Zardari, sub pur bhari (Zardari is all-conquering) is not anywhere near to be doubted or challenged, but things happen.”

“Indeed, like this January 31 thing. A black day… they snatched from me, the Sindh Building Control Authority, KDA (Karachi Development Authority), Malir Development Authority and Hyderabad Development Authority, Lyari Development Authority, Sehwan Development Authority… even the heart of Bhutto… Larkana Development Authority and the Karachi Water and Sewerage Board.”

“Yes, my friend. This is how life turns. All these gold mines will be under mayors…”

“Yes, Asif… with all the projects going on, surely Imran will have mayors from his party…”

“Nawaz, you know, I am 66 and it is not always easy to feign disabilities that help stay in hospitals instead of jails. Yes, I have Dr. Asim Hussain who is chairman of Ziauddin Hospitals… he has quite a few of them…”

“Asif, I must say a brilliant man… a doctor who ran your petroleum ministry… no doubt you rightly gave him, Sitara-i-Imtiaz and Nishan-i-Imtiaz. I am sure he can give more illness than you can count of your fingers and toes combined.”

“Nawaz, he does a good job, always. He did not disappoint me with his petroleum ministry work… I don’t know in what train of thought, I had mentioned 10% to him, but he would always ensure that 15% got deposited in my account at the Offshore Company, which has provided confidential offshore services since 1906…”

“Indeed, Asif, you find honest workers. But how many good medical certificates can he give? You know, we never improved medical education in Pakistan. Naturally, at one stage, the doctors in Pakistan out of diseases to give on my medical certificate. Then I found this Dr. David Lawrence in London. He was merrily writing more diseases than I could count on my fingers and toes. But you know that Imran Khan is not giving boys and girls laptops, but he is giving them IT education. I think those who are men, are called he/him and women are called she/her, but those who can’t be called one of these are called IT. Shehbaz told me that some IT working in health department checked on Google and found who this David Lawrence is… an Indian. So, I found this great genius in medical sciences in America. Dr. Fayyaz Shawl. Before giving it to the Lahore high court, I showed to Dr. David, and he said that this doctor deserves Nobel Prize in medicine because only using telepathy… I did not want to sound dumb, so I did not ask, but it looks like this telepathy is some modern cellphone. So, he gave me a medical report, where he described me as suffering from all physical problems except pregnancy. I wonder why he left that… may be for the next medical report.

“Here is Dr. Shawl’s contact. His office is at 11886 Healing Way, Silver Spring, MD 20904, USA. You can phone him on (301) 891-8570. Do give my reference. Tell him you know that he is holding pregnancy diagnosis for me, but I am saying that he can give it to you.”

“Thank you, Nawaz. I really need a hardbound medical certificate to shut up NAB (National Accountability Bureau) bothering me forever.”

“Dear Asif, remember if you are ek Zardari sub pur bhari, Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif is Nawaz Subsay Chaal Baaz (Nawaz, the cunningest).”