MFR is America’s Star

Maulana Fazlur Rehman, chief of his eponymous Jamiat Ulema-i-Islam-Fazal (JUI-F) faction, has been a restless since November 20, 2007, when has hosted Anne W. Patterson, the American ambassador to Pakistan for lunch, to assure U.S. approval in the event, he became prime minister.

Apprehensive of the American tilt, he had urged Washington not to crown [Pakistan People's Party (PPP) leader] Benazir Bhutto prematurely. His apprehension had reason because the tilt was so glaring, with Bhutto having a robust lobbying machine there and strong secularist credentials.

Fazal was never amiss what PPP insiders had revealed that Benazir always carried prayer beads because she constantly recited kursi (throne), not be confused with the Quranic verse 2:255, which too is called such. Would Fazal ever miss emulating Benazir, after all she had twice ascended the throne and liberally done her share of self-enrichment.

His prayer beads still entwined on his middle finger, the fast asleep Fazal hallucinated that CNN’s Christine Amanpour and Fox TV’s Tucker Carlson of 'Tucker Carlson Today' were jointly interviewing him, focused on American interest in keeping Afghanistan in perpetual gunsight.

Amanpour and Carlson had hardly completed their introductory remarks that Fazal launched himself, “Christine and Tucker you know that 14 forlorn years have passed but I can’t overcome the jovial dinner I had enjoyed with Anne W. Patterson… I had offered America my best intents through her grace. I have yet to get that call… Benazir got it twice. I know why. Christine, you, a female, must be afflicted too, but Tucker being a man may be safe. Benazir benefitted from this American disease of feminism… but I mean even Nawaz Sharif got it three times and Asif Zardari once, but I am still wanting.

“At that time, I learnt that when people take American citizenship, they raise one of their hands. First, I asked a friend whose son knew computers to download me the citizenship oath from Wikipedia… Google was very young then. Being, a head of madrassa, I have excellent memorizing skills, so I memorized this oath, with both hands raised. Not only, I assured Anne verbally, but also both hands raised.

“Yes, Christine and Tucker, I know that you have reached the right person… I know that Imran Khan has shown his true Taliban colours by saying 'absolutely not' to the American request of parking space for their bombers and drones. Is it true that that hot headed Americans too, do crazy things for parking spaces?

“I don’t know why since 2018, America is calling its ambassador Paul W. Jones, a charger (chargé d'affaires) … may be with all this nowadays cellphones and chargers thing, this sounds like a sexy title. I have met with him too!

“I will tell you a bit about the sorry state of Pakistan under Imran, not only he refused America its parking space but has also caused so much pain in the country. I tell you the country’s survival is at stake owing to him. America should help me in removing him. Like you dumped Osama Bin Laden, you help me push this illegitimate ruler in the Arabian Sea soon.

“The survival of democracy is in danger…you know what I am referring to when I say the word ‘institutions’… the military. It all happened because General Bajwa wanted to keep parading for six instead of three years as he was afraid of losing his fitness without exercising. Oh God, I would have raised funds and gifted him the famous American Peloton exercise bike!

“Enough is enough… Christine and Tucker, therefore I am asking the country's institutions to repent on their past mistakes, reassess their role, ask the nation for forgiveness and crown me king. Just consider my example… for 15 years, I had lived in government housing and within minutes of taking oath of office as prime minister, Imran Khan rendered me homeless. My lawyer was giving an example of America, where for example in the state of Virginia, it takes 15 years of continuous possession for a squatter to claim a property adversely. I was on record living in that ministerial mansion for that period.

“Should I ask Anne’s help in pressing my claim? I hear that upon retirement, she now serves on the commission on the National Defense Strategy for the United States and as the Kissinger Senior Fellow at the Yale University Jackson Institute for Global Affairs. Do you think she can pull the strings for me? My both hands remain raised in loyalty to America. To tell you, I am seriously thinking of changing my orange headgear… my pagri… and making one out of the star and spangled banner. Let us raise our hands and shout: MFR is America’s Star!”