India's Own Goal

Bad news, like quintuplets, deliver themselves in quick succession. Such has been the case with Indian prime minister Narendra Modi since April 2020.

As if the Covid wasn’t enough pain, but in that genre too, India was reduced to 15 second of fame, when on May 31, WHO renamed the Indian SARS-CoV-2 as the Delta variant. I mean, we had to our name, the Indian SARS-CoV-2 Genome Sequencing Consortia (INSACOG).

Before dawn, the news ticker had more disappointment that the Taliban government had disbanded the National Directorate of Security (NDS) and renamed it as General Directorate of Intelligence (GDI).

In the wee hours of darkness, Modi reached for his principal secretary Pramod Kumar Mishra, barking out the order that he wants foreign minister Dr. Subrahmanyam Jaishankar, defense minister Rajnath Singh, national security advisor Ajit Doval, foreign secretary Harsh Vardhan Shringla, Research and Analysis Wing (R&AW) secretary Samant Kumar Goel, and Intelligence Bureau (IB) director Arvind Kumar, present in his yoga room at his prime ministerial residence before sunrise.

With sweat dripping and taking hurried gulps of gao mutra, the first to get his dressing is Shringla, “You kept getting funds allocated in the name this joint… where did the money go? Do you also have accounts like in Guernsey like Anil Ambani, Vinod Adani, and Sachin Tendulkar? I understand that the money CIA spent in Afghanistan went into American real estate, but where did ours go?

“Ajit [Doval] you too had no inkling of this change! We started losing our bearings in April 2020 when we shut down two of our four consulates in Afghanistan — at Jalalabad and Herat. You said both places had deteriorating security situations… then you shut down the consulate in Mazar-i-Sharif, the biggest city in their north… you said review of the security situation was delayed as [President] Joe Biden was working out its Afghanistan strategy.

“Jalalabad was so vital -- the gateway to the Khyber. Pakistan considers Southern Afghanistan, part of its own sphere of influence. They had been pushing for this through Trump because they were discontent and had often complained about us having this consulate... and since 2002, just one year after the fall of the Taliban regime… it carried out proxy operations from there.

“We invested $1.5 billion in development projects across Afghanistan, and we closed all our consulates and couldn’t even keep our embassy in Kabul.

“Shringla, ISI flattened and warped you… so [sprinkling gao mutra on his forehead] this marks the official end of your RAW and NDS chapter.

“At least, I am standing with the United States, and I assure you that no welfare aid is given to Afghanistan… and I am told the Afghans helped in getting us out the T20 Cup.”

Jaishankar steals in a moment, “Honorable Pradhan Mantri, Ajit ji and I were able convince Biden that America’s interest is to have India as a direct stakeholder in the U.S.-Taliban peace talks under an UN-administered mechanism, and that it intends to see an interim government in Kabul until negotiations are concluded.”

“Subrahmanyam Jaishankar,” a stern-voiced Modi warns, “Stop living in the past. Look, I was told that ISI got past us and the much-lamented NDS to establish itself on the 5th floor Kabul’s Serena Hotel…

“Ajit, and you are no angel either… days after Pakistan’s NSA [national security advisor] Moeed Yusuf scolds you, China also backs out of our regional security dialogue on Afghanistan…”

“Pradhan Mantri, but Iran, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyz Republic, Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan…”

“Ajit, doesn’t Uzbekistan prioritize Pakistani over Iranian ports? Gwadar and Karachi. How much did we invest in Chahbahar… $500 million… don’t call it peanuts? You know that Russia is increasing efforts to revive ties with Pakistan through a $2.5 billion natural gas pipeline. Are these people just coming for change of weather here?

“All of you let Afghanistan go… last night [Bollywood producer] Mahaveer Jain who once brought all the stars to get selfies with me… he was in tears that our industry has lost the Afghan market… and now Taliban… just how ISI outfoxed you again… they will only allow screening the Turkish production, Ertugrul and the coming Pakistan-Turkish joint film, Salahuddin Ayyubi…”

A trembling Rajnath Singh blurts, “No! We are done! Afghans will now be closer to Turkey and Pakistan… Pradhan Mantri, we need to ask Biden to add another condition of recognition… Taliban should permit screening of their Hollywood and our Bollywood movies… we are losing the cultural war too!”

A panting Modi, sprinkling gao mutar on his face, angrily stares at Goel, “Another failure Samant… where were your people when this GDI decision was taken… it is another ISI trump card… what is ISI chief titled… director general… DGISI… and Afghanistan has GDI… read between the lines. Admit it, India scored more than an own goal in great Afghan game by closing all our diplomatic offices.

“I should transfer you to run the ministry of Women and Child Development.”