Love Thyself!

Your existence is nothing but a regret to me. You have never given me an ounce of happiness. Why don’t you just die? You are so selfish.

I was always given a frequent jerk to come back to reality, to think what’s best for others and how their views rule my life. On most of the occasions, I am unable to figure out whether it’s cold or it’s just the coldness of words that sting and send chills down my spine. This dry weather and white sheet covering the entire city gives me a nostalgic feeling which I disgust most.

Wrapped in a silky comforter, I am sitting on a cosy oyster couch. What I can see is the drizzling water dripping down my window, while clouds resting on mountain peaks and that creamy as well as tempting froth on the coffee top bring smile to my face. That’s how life takes a twist, time and again. Having lived my worst, I am now feeling at the top of the world and living my best in the very moment of time.

One day I was sitting in the home backyard to bring back my composure. My nose looked like a freshly-plucked strawberry and eyes were tired and teary. I opened the birdcage in a trance and let all the captive birds fly free, since I wanted them to spread their wings and rule the sky, once again. But one little bird kept coming back and it kept banging it on the cage, as if it was asking me to put it back in the birdcage. Out of the blue, I realised the fact that it was me, who used to draw the little bird back to the same situation and you know, I was moving on the wrong track.

The day it occurred to me that my friends, my social circle and the people from whom I got toxic comments were solely my own choice, except my family. The sadness which had enveloped me nothing, but my own call. This was me indeed, who was behind the same old routine and for the way I thought people perceive my words and actions as well as the way they leave me and tear my soul, the fault was not in my stars, but in myself. Recalling the days of yore and of those erroneous moments of 'rising' and 'waking up with a heavy heart', every single scenario my eyes captured was merely a choice.

Unable to connect with the situation, I woke up boggled and my heart sank as I entered the sitting area, which was in a real mess with cushions scattered all over the floor and furniture aligned as if lying in the parallel universe. Moving further ahead, I saw my mom crouching over the table while the housemaid held the broom in her hand. Suddenly, she cried at the sight of the mouse rolling on the marble floor, my face turned pale as if there was no blood and I just ran like a sprinter.

A couple of hours passed, we all were exhausted from throwing things, sprinting towards the safe place and now we are sitting out of breath with no fear of that stinky mouse dancing on the floor.
However, why am I sharing this grisly incidence?

The main reason is to tell you that running after a thing, which is utterly useless, worthless and even injurious, is just the wastage of one's time and energy, since the dirty mouse could have better been captured by using a mousetrap without wasting our time and efforts.

Waking up to see the dawn, I love the sight when the sky changes its shades into brighter and sharper ones and the chirping birds fleeing off to fetch dried grass to make their nests. The call of the prayer, together with the soft touch of fresh wind blowing at dawn, rejuvenates myself with the feeling of freedom and independence, not to exclude a ten-minute meditation in the early morning, giving myself some rare moments of the day to feel and enjoy nature and thank the blessings given by the Creator. This helps me live in the present, be alive and take glimpse of every moment and be mindful.

Long past are the days when all those bitter comments were toxic. Honestly speaking, I was toxic to myself and despite the fact that those words were passed on mostly by my parents and friends, I could have prevented it by setting boundaries, limiting compliments and communicating with them so they would not destroy the inner calm and peace lurking inside me.

Now I have learned to raise my voice for myself, taking out time to enjoy myself and by the same token, inculcating love within myself is no longer a shame.

Rubbing and scrubbing my face and making it dripping wet at night was a new self-care task. Standing in front of the mirror, taking care of my skin has always been my favourite pastime, yet it requires so much time, patience and routine.

Touching the height of self-actualization, I have stopped blaming myself for not being a good daughter, a partner or friend. Having learned to forgive myself, I try not to repeat the mistakes, while loving yourself has helped me make better use of my talent, positioning me in an ideal position to soothe others by listening to them and by giving them moral and emotional support.

Running up five kilometres a day drains both my frustration and indignation, thus putting me in a routine which I had wished years ago.

Those words keep haunting me in the middle of the night, but now I can bravely live with them without blaming myself. To me, all such words, criticism and social disapprovals are nothing more than life-learning lessons. In essence, one can become a better, more refined person by learning from one's mistakes and by working on one's own. In the end, one must be able to fill oneself with love, self-esteem and utmost care before bestowing the same upon the people living around.