Kithay Vay?

The results of the 2021 cantonment board elections that involved 206 general seats in as many wards of 39 cantonment boards across the country, especially in Punjab, have caused more than a heartburn for Pakistan People Party co-chair, Asif Ali Zardari.

Consequently, he has summoned the top party leaders to his Karachi mansion, Bilawal House in Clifton. And course, there are the royal progeny Bilawal and Aseefa, with Bakhtawar joining by Zoom.

Besides Farhatullah Babar and MNA Sherry Rehman, the big contingent is from Punjab, namely former prime minister Raja Pervaiz Ashraf (PPP Central Punjab president), former prime minister and now Senator Yusuf Raza Gilani, Punjab provincial president Qamar Zaman Kaira, and general secretary Nayyar Hussain Bukhari.

All are dutifully arrayed on the floor and face the four regal armchairs.

Sensing the gravity of the situation, the mansion staff has placed ashtrays at strategic spots in the big room that favorably compares to a durbar hall of yore.

Upon finishing his third cigarette, Zardari booms, “Pervaiz [Ashraf] what happened to reorganization you were doing at grassroots level in Punjab? Why did we get wiped out… again? You all don’t tell me that we managed 14 seats in all… even in our own Sindh, PTI nabbed the highest number of seats, 14 out of a total of 42, while we came second with 11. And I was thinking of using our numbers to press the Sharifs for moving nonconfidence motions in Punjab and the center…

“And what happened to our great battle cry, Ek Zardari, sub pur bhari (Zardari single-handedly overpowers all) … even with Nawaz Sharif absconding in London, his party came a close second… and in Punjab they scored 50 seats versus PTI's 27… yes, they too are missing on the fortunes…

“Let me remind you that Bilawal was made your chief at 19… he has the genes… but 14 years later, I don’t see him as the ruler of Pakistan… I demand answers… In our years, you prospered… yes, you rendered my 10% and even better, when the situation demanded… but I need the key to the country’s treasury… without it, I am having sleepless nights.

“We don’t have the leadership problems the Sharif party faces, having so many contenders in the family for the throne besides Nawaz Sharif himself.”

At this juncture, Aseefa opens her PowerPoint presentation, “You all know that my grandpa… not, my dad’s father, but my mother’s, I mean, devised a genius strategy of becoming the ruler of Pakistan with his 80 National Assembly seats. To take care of the numbers, he helped kickout East Pakistan from Pakistan. Today, with 56 seats, we too can… [zeroing in on Pakistan’s map with her pointer] … see if we jettison Punjab, Baluchistan and KP, we will be the undisputed rulers of Pakistan… generation upon generation… I suggest we then rename it Bhuttostan!”

A visibly saddened Sherry Rehman offers, “Dear honorable Aseefa, you know that East Pakistan got cut off 50 years ago… and at this rate, it may take another 150 years to jettison the others… our great leader, Bilawal can’t wait that long… the offshore banks across the seas are longing for us.”

Curtseying Zardari, she adds, “What we need is broader branding. If you look at the numbers, our Bhutto Zinda Hayy (Bhutto Lives) is doing wonders in Sindh only. You know Punjab is touchy-feely, when we tell them Bhutto Zinda Hayy, they ask kithay vay (oh, where is he?) … I therefore propose that we rebrand our respected born-leader Bilawal. He can be Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari in Sindh, while in the rest of Pakistan, we will market him as Bilawal Zardari, alongside our Ek Zardari, sub pur bhari slogan, especially when the three provinces have martial inclinations. And I nominate our great Kaira to write speeches in Romanized Punjabi for our dear leader, Bilawal.

“You know how corporations use branding in different markets. As we all know that Pepsi and Coke have different flavors for different markets. Even McDonalds has goat instead of beef burgers in India. I propose multi-brand strategy, which is used when a product or product line is targeting different markets... it helps restrict competition, diversify revenue streams, and increase market share.

For instance, you have this kind of branding used favorably within in the automobile market. GM marketed its cars under the brands Opel in Germany, Vauxhall in U.K., and Chevrolet elsewhere, before it sold Opel and Vauxhall to a French company.”

Zardari quickly defuses his cigarette and addresses Sherry Rehman, “Sherry, you are indeed a gem… I am ordering ten kilos of rose petals be showered in your name on the resting abodes of our supreme leader Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and our inimitable BB [Benazir]… do you think Javed Jabbar is the right person? His most-recent book "But, Prime Minister...: Interactions with Benazir Bhutto, the world's first Muslim woman Prime Minister”… I am told that he offers a glimpse to BB’s strength and captures the true essence of her personality.

“You can detail Jabbar what change in branding we need… [with eyes tearing up, her murmurs] … the parting has been too long…. a rebranding that will restore the treasury key where it belongs, my pocket.”