Sexually Transmitted Democracy

It is for the second time this week that Asif Zardari, the former president of Pakistan, and inheritor-chairperson of Pakistan Peoples Party, and Nawaz Sharif, the three times former prime minister and sublime leader of Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) are talking to each other.

Heeding Zardari’s information, Nawaz perused the Urdu rendering of the international scholars’ dialogue hosted by the Rehmat-ul-lil-Aalimeen Authority under prime minister Imran Khan’s chairmanship.
Nawaz Sharif, holding a paper clipping in his hand, fortifies himself with another glass of lassi, and asks, “My dear brother Asif, so you went through the entire discussion…”

“No, Nawaz, you remember that I was president, I am used to receiving executive summaries.

“Whatever way you look at it, it is sinister pre-vote manipulation of thought. The summary says that Imran admitted that the whole idea behind creation of Rehmat-ul-lil-Aalimeen Authority is to unite human beings and raise the ethical standards of society through the seerah of Holy Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him).

“Nawaz, you get the gist. Under Article 62(1)(f) of the constitution, a person, who is not sadiq (honest) and ameen (trustworthy), can’t qualify to be a member of the national or provincial legislatures… of course then neither prime minister, nor president. So, not just the courts, but even common people would be involved in enforcing this…”

“Asif, you mean that when they vote, they will ask if candidate successfully comes successfully under this article’s purview?

“Yes… yes, Nawaz. This is why I was wondering why the Election Commission has not taken note of such pre-election conditioning of minds…”

“Asif why don’t our lawyers set up a joint defense and file a case with the Chief Election Commissioner. I really admire your legal team…”

“Thank you, Nawaz. I too admire my lawyers’ ability to defeat all attempts to convict me [despite my crimes] …”

“Asif, who can forget the way they got Ayyan Ali free despite Pakistan Customs catching her with $506,800 in her travel case on way to Dubai. What a super-model she is…

“Oh, no, Asif, I got lost in Ayyan’s beauty, actually I have been very disturbed since this headline that Marriyum Aurangzeb (member of the National Assembly and PML-N spokesperson) sent to me. This is from Tribune of 2nd January. Here I read it, “PM concerned over sharp rise in sex crimes, corruption.” And the subhead is no less daunting, “Premier Imran while speaking to Muslim scholars says society must make corruption unacceptable.”

“This is shameful. Ours is a Sexually Transmitted Democracy, where rightly leadership stems from your and my genes only. This is the reason why he is pairing sex crimes with corruption… Asif, what next, under eliminating sex crimes, he can take action…”

“Nawaz you are far-sighted. He has a majority when he does the combined session, and can bring Sexually Transmitted Democracy under the head of sex crimes. Not just ours, but all other parties except Imran’s and Jamat-e Islami will be flunked out under this clause…

“Asif, does it mean there will not be a Jamiat-i Ulema Islam-Fazal… no ANP-Wali (Awami National Party) … no Akhtar Mengal’s Baluchistan National Party-Mengal. But Asif, in the long-run, there can’t be any PML-S (Shahbaz) and PML-M (Maryam)…”

“Dearest, what are you saying… what PML this or that alphabet. All of ours sexually transmitted leadership faces a wipeout! And only Imran Khan can unearth such weirdoes. This is some American scholar, Shaykh Hamza Yusuf who has likened the issue of corruption to a rotten apple that could decay a society…”

“Asif is that so… I think in my Urdu summary they avoided using description of spoilt fruit. But if this what was said, Imran Khan can get us recalled like in America and England, food departments order recall of rotten food… like one day some cucumber is bad… the other day, broccoli… well any way, like President Bush Senior, I too don’t like broccoli. I am told that you can’t make aloo gobhi (potato and cauliflower) from it. But doesn’t it look like the green color variety of gobhi?”

“Nawaz could you stop blabbering about food. I have greater problems! Some astrologer has told Bilawal that he must first become prime minister to break the evil spell before he could get married. Now, he can’t stop nagging me that just like I found his mother’s will to make him party chairman, I should pull out a rabbit from someplace and enthrone him prime minister.”

“Asif this is very tough. Agreed, we are going to court to keep sexually transmitted democracy intact for our bloodlines sake.”