Eating Shuddh Steaks

The national Reuters/Ipsos poll, conducted last Dec. 9-10, found that 48% of adults approved of President Joe Biden’s performance in office. Meanwhile, 48% disapproved and the rest were not sure.

Certainly, it is a matter of concern. Promptly, the Democratic National Committee hired the Institute of American Exceptionalism Studies (IAES) to advise Biden and the party on how to improve the situation, especially with mid-terms just ten months away.

IAES assigned J.R. “Jimz” Hawgvosh, Ph.D., senior vice president of political analysis department, and I. I. “Izzy” Rowtenstein, Ph.D., assistant vice president, national interest warfare strategies department, to prepare strategy for the Democrats.

The limited-circulation brief was shared by Biden, Vice President Kamala Harris, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and DNC chair Jaime Harrison - an unsuccessful Senate candidate in 2020.

After studying the brief, Biden’s first call was to his point man against China, prime minister Narendra Modi, whose country, India is considered America’s bulwark against China.

“Hullo… Yes, Narindra, it’s me, Joe… from America…”

“Yes… yes… but my Caller ID says, it is White House… or Castle calling… is this my friend Donald [Trump]… are you sure you are not some Joe from White Castle… I am vegetarian; I don’t need hamburgers!”

“Narindra, it’s me Joseph Biden, the 45th President of the United States. Here I am giving the phone to Kamala to tell you in Hindi who is calling… now get a translator on the line…”

“OK… (a big gulp of his favorite beverage, gao mutra, helps restore his bearings) … OK Joe, how can I be of service to you tonight…”

“Narindra, its morning… Jill (Biden) fed me an omelet not an hour ago. Any ways, I am calling to see what you are doing about China. I mean, man with ten months to go before elections, I need to show some real sabre rattling… and we don’t have Afghanistan no more to announce advances to hilltops 2697 and 31288. China, it is.”

“Thank you, Joe. Yes, China. Joe, I am building a series of new tunnels and roads to fully militarize the border with China…”

“Narindra, but my James Webb Satellite Telescope that is seeing the glass on your table, and even the cow piss going down your throat, is showing that China has put in new helicopter pads, runways and railroads have been laid on the Tibetan plateau…”

“Oh, thanks Joe. If you say, I can march in 50,000 mountainous-warfare troops to stand on the side, the one that China says is my territory!”

“Narindra, I need action to fire up Americans as they go to vote on

November 8… will 50,000 marching Indians do the trick… I mean, show that I am flexing my muscles against China…”

“Yes, Joe. You can always tell them that like call centers for American companies, India is also doing China war for America.”

“Listen, Narindra, I am not wasting my time about call centers, and any way, it takes a few hours to get a call through to some shack in Mumbai. I am telling you what Americans want.

“Despite the billions that you are taking for answering phone calls from Americans, not to mention the millions you make from fake IRS calls, how are you supporting the American worker?

“Joe, yes. The call centers!”

“No! Narindra, next to Mexico and Canada, China is America's third largest and by far its most rapidly growing major export market. Narindra, I need action that can fill American TV screens.

“I am doing my bit with China. On his last day in office, Trump declared that China is committing crimes against humanity and genocide against Uyghurs – the Muslims living China’s Xinjiang region. You agree, calling for Muslims is fine if it helps our interests? I readily reaffirmed this declaration. Mind, you that I have never even whispered a word about what’s happening in Palestine…

“Oh, Joe, but that’s for AIPAC, not me…”

“Narindra, I mean that like Palestine, I have never taken notice of human rights violations in Kashmir… like I am starving four million Afghans for Afghan women’s sake, but I have never uttered a word about the online auctions of Muslim women in India…”

“Joe, I am eternally grateful to you, but promise me that you will never sign the bill emanating from (Democratic Rep.) Ilhan Omar's legislation to create a special envoy to combat Islamophobia. I don’t want any white guy peering into my Islamophobia work. You know I am trying to outrace (French president) Macron in Islamophobia.”

“OK… fine… that bill goes into the dark alley. But Narindra, I want Americans to see multitudes of men and weapons marching every day to Ladakh, and I also want to see India supporting the American farmer, the Texan, the Iowan… I want to show container-loads of two-inch steaks flying to New Delhi and for that matter pork chops too!”

“Joe, if you keep deaf, dumb and blind on Islamophobia, I will pass an edict that eating American steaks is shuddh (pure) too!”