Our Junkets will Return

Asma Shirazi, who hosts the current affairs show on a TV channel Aaj News, after receiving much support from her fellow junket-deprived journalistic cabal for her BBC Urdu column, where she accused Pakistan's Prime Minister Imran Khan of running his administration with the help of black magic conducted by his sorcerer wife, Bushra.

In the same column, she also exhorted the military to bring all political parties together like it happened in Bangladesh and start a national dialogue to hold “clean and transparent” elections and hand over the country to politicians.

This has led her to fanaticize that she is being interviewed by the American conservative Laura Ingraham, host of The Ingraham Angle on Fox News Channel.

[‘Asthma (Asma), I have been hearing loads about you and how you have personal channels to more than a few politicians. I’ve been told that you rendered service beyond imagination in helping former prime minister Nawaz Sharif go abroad, who was serving time corruption.’]

“Thank you, Laura, first things first, I am Asma and not Asthma… Indeed, it speaks volumes about my greatness that the entire junket-deprived membership of the Pakistan Federal Union of Journalists, our trade union, or PFUJ, has been speaking in my support.

“You know, Laura, our PFUJ is affiliated with the International Federation of Journalists. And of course, my BBC column was in Urdu, but it goes to their credit that they immediately endorsed it and declared their support for me.”

[‘As… Asthma… may I call you, As? You mean that Imran Khan, the guy who is Taliban Khan is into black magic! So, do you think, he helped the Taliban win in Afghanistan with his wife’s sorcery?’]

“Yes, Laura, things are far worse than you can imagine… he and his wife are beheading black goats…”

[‘As, but goats are so cute…’]

“Yes, Laura, they are beheading black goats, and pigeons are being bled and puppets are being hung and in some needles are being pricked. Things are so bad. I am so proud of myself that I helped Nawaz Sharif escape to London. He is such a sweet person. I know, you don’t like President Obama, but First Lady Michelle was overwhelmed by his daughter, Maryam, who is now leading the march for democracy, that she immediately wrote her a check for $70 million…”

[‘As, oh, is it so. During the Obama years, I wasn’t invited to the White House, otherwise I would have loved to meet that young lady…’]

“Laura, she, Maryam, is a sweet grandma… and such a good dresser too. You’ll just marvel at her Manolo Blahnik collection… what a taste. And, ah, Nawaz Sharif… and for that matter, Asif Zardari… they would invite us, journalists to come with them on overseas visits.

“This dreary winter has been far too long. You know it, and everyone knows that the military brought Imran Khan, and this is what I am reminding Gen. Bajwa that's fine you selected him, but good captains do not have all the expectations of a single player but keep a backup of everyone. “

[‘As, you mean… ‘]

“Laura, before the military shoed in Imran Khan, we had a bipartisan system like America. You have Republicans and Democrats, and we had PPP (Pakistan People Party) and PML-N (Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz). I was telling you about Maryam, who leading her party while her father Nawaz Sharif is undergoing medical treatment in London, and for PPP, we have Bilawal (Bhutto-Zardari). Such an innocent kid. And full of humor. The other day, he remarked, don't pay attention to the barking of these media people… scion of a great family, the Bhuttos.”

[‘As, do you think that this sorcerer wife of Imran Khan has overcome the General with some black magic potion? It is scary, As. Think all those piles of atom bombs in the military’s warehouse and the commander gets under black magic spells. Perhaps, this is the reason why Biden doesn’t talk to Imran Khan.’]

“Laura, I know everything. I am the top trend on Twitter. The General should mend his ways and restore the time-honored two-party system. You may ask me how. We have a wonderful example in Bangladesh. The military should take over, get the good parties together and hold transparent elections and let the country run. Once things switch over to the American bipartisan system, surely President Biden will talk to Maryam or Bilawal… and Laura, they are hereditary politicians, not some cricketer becoming a politician. And of course, our junkets will return, and I look forward to meeting with you in America.”