My Hair Made Me Do It

There has been much flutter at 10 Downing Street following the Independent Office for Police Conduct announcement that American businesswoman and a former Boris Johnson girlfriend Jennifer Arcuri, had agreed to assist a fresh criminal inquiry how the then London mayor, overruled the advice of staff and promoted her business interests to win her affections.

While there is no stated line of succession, in an emergency, like the one the UK is facing right now, the baton would most likely be passed first to one of the three most senior government ministers: the chancellor of the exchequer, home secretary, or the foreign secretary.

The first to approach Johnson, home secretary Priti Patel, offers, “Boris, you are American born, you could have sought the White House. You gave up your citizenship in February 2017 just to rid yourself of a hefty tax bill. See this Arcuri thing… an American scorned. America is your calling. Look how Bill Clinton sailed smoothly, Lewinsky and all. Now you have lost your citizenship for the rest of your lifetime.

“But there is hope [whispers to herself, hopefully not]. We have this Randy Andy [Prince Andrew] thing going… so you are quite well covered. You’ve done some great things like Brexit [whispers to herself again: The people want your scalp when the Brexit divorce from Europe is amplifying a shortage of workers and basic goods].

“Boris, you know, I have done some great things for the party. You know I told the Heritage Foundation, the American conservative think tank, that I am outlawing Hamas' political arm too, when we did so for its militant wing in March 2001. They loved me… they hugged me… I endeared the American Jewry to Great Britain when I told them, "Antisemitism is an enduring evil which I will never tolerate. Jewish people routinely feel unsafe - at school, in the streets, when they worship, in their homes, and online.

"This step will strengthen the case against anyone who waves a Hamas flag in the United Kingdom, an act that is bound to make Jewish people feel unsafe."

Chancellor of the exchequer Rishi Sunak, his next-door neighbor at 11 Downing, who had been looking out of his window, waiting for Patel to exit, is quick to enter. He pours Boris, a stiff aperitif, and starts with what seems rote condolences about his ill-founded move to leave American citizenship.

“Boris, more than anyone else, I am worried about you [however, under the breath, he mutters to himself, be gone, so I get a chance at premiership] … why upon earth, you didn’t do what Donald Trump did with all ladies… nondisclosure agreements. I have good friends across the pond from my days at [U.S. investment bank] Goldman Sachs. And of course, I was smart enough to marry the daughter of a billionaire… one of India’s most successful entrepreneurs… Infosys founder and billionaire Nagavara Narayana Murthy.”

The aperitif provided Johnson the wherewithal to withstand the aspiring inheritors of his throne.

Sunak noting the disinterest quietly ambled back to his abode next door. Surely, foreign secretary and minister for women and equalities Liz Truss wouldn’t let her chance go and in she came at speed akin to a gallop.

“Boris, I really feel for you. A woman scorned. I see a glimmer of hope here. Look she has told them that she currently resides in the United States, so it would mean that they travel there to talk to her. Biden is so trigger-happy with Covid mandates. He will happily ban travel from the U.K.

“I hear that you asked her how you could be the thrust – the throttle – and she mere footstep as she makes her career. She says that you asked: how I can help you?”

Johnson has had it up to his gills, retorts, “I’ve enough of this sympathizing. I have my options. Of course, first let them summon me for the inquiry and I will start with the mental disability card… it works so well in the United States. I have the evidence. As a child, I suffered from deafness, resulting in several operations to insert grommets into my ears. Now she will have to prove that I was hearing what I was being told.

“You know I studied Classics, ancient literature and classical philosophy at Oxford’s took Balliol College. I will argue over the contrasting American and British English connotations of usages.

“My family calls me Al, as in Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, so was she Al’s partner or some Boris? Of course, I can’t take the fifth, but I can use another classic American “I didn’t do it” defense that my wild hair made me do it.”