Inflammation of Ego

The former three times prime minister of Pakistan, Nawaz Sharif, has arranged a double header on with Asma Shirazi, who hosts a primetime current affair show on Aaj News, and Saleem Safi, who hosts the primetime talk show Jirga on Geo News.

“I am sure that not only you, but also all journalists and media owners know that I and not Imran Khan should be prime minister.

“Both Hassan Nawaz and Hussain Nawaz, turn by turn, drive me around London… of course, we are looking at properties… one day, when I will be able to buy again, I will have all the information at hand.

“Nowhere, I am hearing that this or that property is owned by Imran. Fine, first, he was not prime minister, but now he has been for more than three years, and he has acquired nothing…”

Asma Shirazi interrupts, “Mian Sahib, you are right. We really miss you. Sometimes, I wake up like 2 a.m., and imagine, how at 9 p.m. in London, you would be a having a pre-bedtime glass of lassi. We love you.”

Safi quickly interrupts, “Honorable Mian Sahib, did you listen to Imran’s speech about the package that he is giving to mitigate the inflation-hit public’s hardship.”

“Saleem, what is inflation? All I know is that my doctor here… a good chap from India who calls himself Dr. David Lawrence has told me about inflammation. He said that if anyone ask me, I should answer that I have inflammation of my ego… I don’t know what this ego is... may be some popular brand name here…”

Shirazi interrupts, “Imran Khan is giving examples of America and Europe that the price of natural gas had increased by 116% in the U.S. and by 300% in Europe… but he is not telling the nation what the per capita income is there.”

“Thanks, Asma, you are right. Neither is he saying that here people pay like 40% taxes on their incomes. First things first… from where he has invented so many percent, because percent is only 100, so Dr. Lawrence is always telling me that I am not 100% fit.”

“Mian Sahib, I was talking about high prices.”

“Oh, what is high prices. God bless Hassan Nawaz and Hussain Nawaz, and my offshore accounts because nothing seems expensive to us…”

“No, Mian Sahib, he is saying that the price of wheat in Pakistan was half of that in India and Bangladesh…”

“Oh, Asma, may be in India and Bangladesh, they are buying wheat and not wheat powder, which we call ataa. Here we only buy ataa. My daughters-in-law only buy ataa as it must be cheaper than wheat.”
Safi asks, “Did you listen that Imran Khan said that the two big families should bring back the money they looted and then took it outside…”

“Did he say so?”

“Yes… and that even if they bring half [the money], he promised to the nation that he will slash the prices of all food items by half."

“Did he say that too! Really. Does he think that I am crazy that I will bring my money to Pakistan? Mine is hard-earned. So, after inflammation of ego disease, he wants me to suffer from another disease… okay, I will ask Dr. Alexander what it is called. He always gives me very big-name illnesses.

“So Asma and Saleem, are people very unhappy with Imran’s relief package? If enough are unhappy, then I become prime minister again?”
Safi whispers, “No Mian Sahib, 65% say they are happy…”

“Uff, Asma and Safi, you have to educate the people that inflation is not a global problem so it will mean that inflation is only in Pakistan because Imran is incompetent and takes wrong decisions, like he does not allow corruption.

“And hit Imran hard on sugar. Our people can’t live without sugar. My father started our sugar division in 1939 and we have so many sugar mills in Pakistan. Sugar has crossed Rs 142 per kilo in the wholesale market, which means more profit for us and more hate for Imran. And my brother Zardari owns 18 sugar mills in Sindh. He too is enjoying.

“[Former finance minister Ishaq] Dar Sahib was showing me the news that Bank of America has predicted that crude oil will skyrocket 43% to $120 a barrel by next summer. Here is another golden opportunity for you to attack Imran. Just tell people that Americans have so high incomes that they laugh at such increases. You should tell them if Imran had purchased a few million barrels when oil was cheap and kept them in his Bani Gala house, price of oil would not have gone up. Pakistani people love you and you can give them anything to believe.

“Remember, Nawaz Sharif is a friend of friends. When I become fourth time prime minister, I will send you to hajj four times a year. Earn it!”