No One Does It Better than Asif!

Pakistan People Party co-chair, Asif Ali Zardari, with every ashtray on his side table piling high, finally calls Maulana Fazlur Rehman, head of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema-i Islam.
“My dearest friend… highly-respected and wise one. Yes, we haven’t talked in a while…”

“Yes, my dearest, since April 13 of this year…”

“Maulana, no wonder that the number 13 is considered unlucky. I pray you are in good health… please don’t ask about my situation… I must work so hard on getting acutely sick and then naturally hospitalized every time NAB sends me a warrant of arrest. But thankfully, this has become so natural… and of course, our caring judges.

“Three years have sailed through, hopefully this ordeal ends soon. My poor doctors are at times scouring through their old textbooks to find hospitalization worthy ailments… Oh, why did I get distracted. Actually, I was asking if a divorced couple can remarry.”

“Asif, what do you mean?”

“You know, on April 13, we walked out of PDM. I mean, you know children. I have strict orders for Bilawal, only to read out what his Aunty Sherry (Rehman) writes for him in Romanized Urdu… but… I know, he had hastily rejected the show-cause notice you sent to us over garnering support of the Baluchistan Awami Party (BAP) for Yousaf’s [Raza Gilani] for opposition leader in the Senate.

“I have been feeling something strange that you decided to hold a grand rally against the rising inflation in the country on November 5 in Peshawar, and here the entire nation is mentally and spiritually focused on this T20 cricket. And now hell has broken lose for us that Pakistan has become the tournament’s first qualifier for the semi-final…”

“Asif, then what you could have done to alleviate the situation?”

“My Respected Maulana, I could have arranged sacrificing a black goat every day to have Pakistan defeated by India. It costs nothing as our [Sindh chief minister] Murad Ali Shah knows where to assign the cost of these goats. Isn’t sacrificing goats, a development expense?

“You know, what, another world cup defeat at the hands of India would have meant! Oh, and our friends in the media… Asma Shirazi, Saleem Safi and you name them would have squarely placed the blame on Imran Khan. Imagine the impact!

“So, I was saying that we should re-marry, and my party should become a senior component of the PDM…”

“Did I hear it correctly… senior component… but don’t you know that the PDM was the last hope of the nation. And don’t you know that our dear Nawaz Sharif is not sitting idly in London, from where he is trying to weaken the democratic system and institutions of Pakistan. There is no precedent for his systematic effort to weaken Pakistan's institutions…”

“Wait, my great Maulana… you know why Imran Khan delayed transferring (Lt. Gen.) Faiz Hameed from ISI till November 20… aren’t you hearing from India that it was ISI that engineered their defeat on October 24… they are saying that getting India out for 151 was a message from ISI…

“I know that you can bring a lot of crowds in Peshawar from your madrassa bank, but we have all the waderas in our pocket and we could bring twice your numbers. That’s why my party is the senior party.
“Maulana, no need to argue. Just see the sparks if you hand over full control of PDM to me… I mean me, and my family. You can’t make much headway when cricket has been made the tool to divert attention of the people from more pressing matters facing the country. My intelligence is that Pakistan is preparing the Namibian cricket team to beat India in upcoming match… I saw it myself in the news, Hafeez giving them batting and bowling tips.

“You know how our people go wild when India suffers. In this case, Imran Khan will get more credit. This is why, I want to volunteer to lead PDM… I have five-year experience as president, so I will retake my position and Bilawal will be prime minister… and Mir Hakim Mahmood Choudhry will be finance minister…”

“What… Isn’t Mir Hakim Mahmood Choudhry an infant?”

Yes, till he attains majority, Bakhtawar will do the job… Remember that no one does it better than Asif Ali Zardari.”