Shaking Down MBS

Jared Kushner, son-in-law, and former senior advisor to ex-President Donald Trump, who is lining up Middle Eastern investment in his new business setup, Affinity Partnership, is consulting with Roxy Rosenbottom, director, American Middle East Region Prospects (MERP), a Washington, DC think tank, and Finnegan Fayxberger, senior partner, Fayxberger & Leachestein Investment Advisors.

Offering them his brief, Kushner informs, “Thanks for joining me from DC and Manhattan, let me come right to business. You know I have been reaching out to some of the connections I built during our (his father-in-law's) administration for investment in my new venture.

“I started with MbZ (UAE de facto ruler, Mohamad Bin Ziyad) … I mean that guy was feeding out of my hand… like I said recognize Israel and he takes a leap bigger than I could imagine! He gets his Emirates flying there daily… and starts a $10 billion Israel investment fund across sector. But when I mention by Affinity, he kind of goes silent… doesn’t hang-up on me, but I don’t hear the pennies falling out of his hand. I try to jog his memory that I was director of the Office of American Innovation, but the guy seems like someone who is proceeding with your conversation like his hearing aid battery flunked. I even tried to soothe his nerves that I am just looking for an amount in the low billions [of dollars] by early next year. No answer. So, I started sharing with him my recipe of making tzabbar (prickly pear) jam… and what I get, ‘oh, I forgot to see my falcons being served their lunch’.

“So, the next call goes to Tamim Bin Hamad, who calls himself king of Qatar. He excuses himself that he is watching his Aljazeera TV English with his left eye, and its Arabic channel with his right eye. He is kind of pissed off with me that I never lent him an ear when MbZ and MBS went nasty with him.

“Next on call list is MBS [Mohammed Bin Salman] … he is like a brother to me. He hears my voice and says the key to his $450 billion Public Investment Fund are mine. I say, I am getting a big chunk out of it… and he replies ‘yalla’… which Arabic for ‘hurry up’…”

Fayxberger offers quickly, “Jared, you know at my Fayxberger & Leachestein Investment Advisors we have the talent to handle this big chunk. We can assist you get a very big chuck from that big chunk…”
An excited Rosenbottom adds hurriedly, “Wow. Jared that’s great! I mean who can count $450 billion… the guy who buys a painting for $500 million, and especially one that he can’t take home, won’t care what this big chunk is bringing him. MERP can generate the studies that this brother of yours can display as coffee table literature.

“Come 2024… it’ll be Trump 2… and you’ll be back in West Wing. Right away you get your dad [Charles Kushner] made ambassador to Saudi Arabia, after all he pardoned him of all crimes. This should put some fear into your dear brother. If the world knows, he too should that, among other stuff, your dad also got locked up on one count of retaliating against a federal witness. Your brother… MBS will be fearful asking about the chunk he gave you.”

Jared continues, “You know, [wife] Ivanka related to her dad all the philanthropy my dad did. And he was just so excited when she told him that he has donated tens of thousands of dollars to organizations and institutions located in the West Bank settlements... the same ones that numerous UN resolutions call illegal. This moved her father to pardon my father because he saw that he was doing the good.

“King Salman… the façade of a ruler… couldn’t stop thanking President Trump after he had told him that he would not last in power for two weeks without the backing of the U.S. military. I sort of think that the translator likely fudged it. Any ways, MBS seeing his dad thanking my father-in-law sort of nonstop, followed suit… ours calls are so long because 90 percent of the call goes in MBS thanking me!”
Fayxberger, offers, “As investment advisor, I would say go for your brother’s big chunk. Tie his fund to your favorite charities in Israel and classify them as Abrahamic Accords giving. It’s a win-win… you get the MBS Big Chunk… the flow to charities gets you your tax cuts and MBS gets a bit shaved… [she giggles] of course without him noticing it.”

Jared reaches for his office refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of Golan Heights Winery Yarden Rose Brut and they toast, “Shaking down MBS, the Halal Kosher way!”