Feature 
 

Child Development

Spare the Rod

A parent who exhibits empathy and respect for how the child is feeling provides a chance for kids to process their behavior and hold themselves accountable.

By Zara Maqbool | May 2024


Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs and a lifelong commitment that changes the relational dynamics between a parent and child from infancy to teenage to adulthood. Parenting is a unique experience; every parent mainly draws their learning from the family system of origin, passed from one generation to another. If we invest in our growth and mental well-being, we can be good enough parents, and at the end of the day, parenting is trial and error. Parenting models generally have transitioned over the years, too. For example, in our part of the world, physical hitting was a norm and part of dinner conversation to provoke humor. Now, it is frowned upon and harshly criticized. Gentle parenting is a model that has recently gained popularity and was introduced by psychologist and parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith. Gentle parenting is an approach that centers on building a connection between parents and children and focuses on respect and partnership in parenting. More importantly, it focuses on improving a child’s self-awareness and understanding of what triggers its unwarranted behavior.

Unlike any authoritative parenting, where the power lies with the parents, gentle parenting stresses the importance of a child’s role within the family and encourages him to do what is asked because the child is made to see himself as an individual who has an essential position in the family and can create change and impact others in the environment. It’s different from traditional parenting, which focuses on punishment and reward. Authoritative parents use time-outs and groundings, which is discouraged in gentle parenting.

Despite its philosophical approach, it has certain principles like respect, boundaries, positive discipline, consistent love, and care, to name a few. With this method, parents avoid punitive strategies such as time-outs or denying privileges to discipline children or to encourage desirable behavior. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) explains that the key to this parenting approach is to discipline through teaching, not punishing. It facilitates positive and respectful parenting skills that do not label kids as good or bad but believe in the inherent need in every child to seek connection but have not been taught the strategies to meet that need.

Certain benefits of gentle parenting have been experienced over the years. Children who had gentle parenting experienced less childhood depression. It promotes secure attachment between parents and children, which sets the ground for that child to turn into a free-functioning adult.

Gentle parenting facilitates better emotional development and self-regulation skills in children. This parenting approach emphasizes emotional regulation through dialogue, where a parent and child process any big feelings that come up together.

The three basic tenets of this philosophy include response to behavior, implementing the ‘time in’ approach, and using validation to discipline a child.

In this model, parents focus on what triggers a child’s behavior to discipline the uncalled-for behavior of a child rather than simply labeling the behavior as bad and using the parental power to curb the undesirable behavior.

Play is an integral part of this model where parents take ‘time’ to engage with their kids actively and follow children’s cues in play to develop physical and emotional well-being. Play leads to a greater bond with kids and creates space for more open conversations in times of conflict.


Validation is another crucial element. Instead of pointing out the negative in children, a parent focuses on validating positive behavior.

A parent exhibiting empathy and respect for how the child is feeling allows kids to process their behavior and hold themselves accountable. By modeling calm, you’re also teaching the child to learn from you how you respond to conflict. An important point is setting up expectations in advance, planning how to react if your child exhibits negative behavior, and how you can handle it peacefully.

So, is gentle parenting for everyone? Arreola-Hillenbrand, a parenting coach, says, “For parents of children with special needs, there are challenges in applying some of the tools, but … every child invites us to engage with them in a way that honors their needs.”

Gentle parenting can be very exhausting at times. It requires a lot of effort to be sensitive to a child’s every mood, attuned to a child’s changing emotions, and not have the space sometimes to use the parental power of simply telling the child to do something. Sometimes, a tantrum should be shut down, and a parent might feel tired trying to make sense of it. Gentle parenting encourages parents to be less reactive, and instead of screaming, a parent will try to understand what is happening. But the challenge is that a person whose traumas are unprocessed will be reactive, and it is harder for them not to get triggered, especially in families with intergenerational trauma.

Parents need to learn and spend energy trying to understand their child’s triggers and how to set healthy boundaries. They have their stresses, but they need to stay calm and positive and plan for negative behavior. For example, taking the child to a grocery shop and knowing that he will demand a toy means setting the correct expectations beforehand. Being consistent with setting limits is crucial and will help the child understand what we expect.

Essentially, this parenting is a collaborative effort and conscious parenting that may seem complicated initially and will include trial and error. Still, it will eventually become internalized as an attitude that a parent needs to assume towards a child.

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