Guardians of the Indian Image

It is late evening that Arvind Kumar director of the Intelligence Bureau, India's domestic internal security and counter-intelligence agency, rushed to the residence of prime minister Narendra Modi with a video – which has gone viral -- of a lone burqa-wearing Muslim student, who had silenced a large group of Jai Shri Raam (Hail lord Ram) shrieking Hindu students with a call of Allahu Akbar (God is Great) in India’s southern Karnataka state.

Upon seeing the tape, the prime minister, feeling the need for fortification, buzzed for his attendant to bring a couple of glasses of gao mutra. The other buzz reached his principal secretary Pramod Kumar Mishra, barking out the order that he wants minister of home affairs (interior) Amit Shah, foreign minister Dr. Subrahmanyam Jaishankar, defense minister Rajnath Singh, national security advisor Ajit Doval, foreign secretary Harsh Vardhan Shringla, Research and Analysis Wing (R&AW) secretary Samant Kumar Goel, and Intelligence Bureau (IB) director Arvind Kumar, present in his yoga room at his prime ministerial faster than he gulps his glass of bovine unmentionable.

Of course, within a snap the summoned arrive.

On zoom call is Karnataka chief minister Basavaraj Bommai who leads the Bharatiya Janata Party government – the party that also governs at the federal level.

Modi signals and Kumar replays the tape. A deathly silence prevails.

Amit Shah asks, “Arvind, this seems a small batch?”

Kumar responds, “Honorable Sir, there were nearly 100 of our real Indian boys…”

Modi interrupts angrily, “Really… real Indian boys… got scared by one Muslim girl…”

The prime minister pointing his finger at Bommani, barks, “Basavaraj, what sort of training is being imparted under your rule to the cream of India… the real Indians… I need a report that why they could not stand up to one Muslim girl. Do they know that they have brought shame to the kesari shawls (saffron) they were wearing… the saintly color of the sandhya (sunrise/sunset) and of agni (fire)?”

Ajit Doval adds, “And Our Beloved Pradhan Mantri (prime minister) these boys also allowed Shri Ram (lord Ram) to be insulted…this requires much deeper investigation. One wonders if you are fully in control.”

Bommani seeks a second and informs, “Our home minister had asked the police department to probe any links that these girls and their parents could have with other Pakistani organizations like ISI and their telephone call records will be under scrutiny.”

Modi offers, “Good step. But the real issue is what was lacking in our training… the sons of the braves who razed the Babri Mosque acted like scared mice! I will be asking Mohan Bhagwat, the Sarsanghchalak (chief) of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh) to report what was missing in the training of these Karnataka boys. Here we are on our way to build a Hindu India and you have Hindu boys running scared!”

Defense minister Rajnath Singh offers, “Everyone please. This is much deeper and more serious matter. I see the ISI imprint across it. Such incidents are being organized to show to the world that the Hindu man is lacking.”

Doval, signaling his agreement, adds, “Our Beloved Pradhan Mantri, I see another agenda too. Someone is trying to show that you are not the real guardian of the Hindutva force.

“I see the (chief minister of Uttar Pradesh) Yogi Adityanath factor too … of course besides the ISI. You see how he is brazenly open about his Hindu politics and ideology ... He has projected himself as a Hindu leader and that's what brings him crowds and votes. When he does Muslim-bashing, he grabs eyeballs and audiences. His state is home to over 200 million people. And he is just 49.

“I would say that you go few steps ahead of Yogi in Muslim bashing… let us do a few more Godhra (massacre)…”

Modi continues, “Ajit surely that is going to drive lots of people dumb. We should sanction anyone uttering Allahu Akbar. Of course, Pakistan needs a dose of reality… [Group captain] Abhinandan should return for a few hits.

“We need to put our hearts and minds together. Here like Trump, President Biden has put total trust in India as a bulwark against China… I am negotiating for a few F35 jets… and here you tell the world that a lone girl silenced 100 real Indians. We need to buy more weapons. We are the guardians of the Indian image.”