Enforce the Silence

Following the U.S. Congress move to block $1 billion for Iron Dome funding, American Israel Public Affairs (AIPAC) president Mort Fridman and Anti Defamation League (ADL) CEO Jonathan Greenblatt are under intense fire. Both current Israeli prime minister Naftali Bennett and former prime minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu have gotten together for a zoom call with them.

Netanyahu screams, “Mort if I was prime minister, this could have never happened… ever. I kept you and Jonathan on tight leash. Really, you are taken advantage of Neftali’s newness.”

Fridman and Greenblat exclaim in unison, “Bibi and Neftali, believe us, we got all of Congress in our back pocket. Yes, we too are in shock, how did this thing slip by….”

Bennet asks, “When you give them their paychecks, do you get their loyalty to Israel signed anew or you have the ones when their doles started? I can understand, [Rep.] AOC [Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y.] is a nut… and no one tried to slip in a mensch boyfriend instead of what she has now? Of, course Ilhan [Omar, D-Minn.], [Rashida] Tlaib [D-Mich.] and [André] Carson [D-In.] are Hamas guys in Congress… but… but… [Rep. Cori] Bush [D-Miss.], Ayanna Pressley [D-Mass.], Betty McCollum [D-Minn.]… yes and Mark Pocan [D-Wisc.]… and see this [Pramila] Jaypal [D-Wash.]… what… even an Indian voted against us!”

An angered Netanyahu asks, “Mort, we know it is a small amount… you know I can call [UAE Crown Prince] MBZ [Mohamed bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan] … you know it’s just a billion. He can wire it any moment…no, money isn’t the issue…”

Bennet joins the conversation, “Yes, money is not the thing… I mean, we can make call… our mensch guys… [Facebook CEO Mark] Zuckerberg, [Oracle’s Larry] Ellison and [Google co-founders] Larry Page and Sergey Brin… and not to forget, our [former New York mayor Michael] Bloomberg … they can just pass the hat and come up with a few billions… it’s not the money… but it’s about how dare these guys go against us… the real thing is that this despicable act shows that Israel’s right to defense isn’t sacred to Americans anymore…”

Netanyahu adds, “These skunks need to be out of Congress… no more… we can’t have… yes… for sure none of them sign their loyalty cards too.

“Now Mort and Jonathan, what [Israel ambassador to U.S.] Gilad Erdan tells us that this upstart Americans for Justice in Palestine Action floored you guys… what’s your guys worth… Mort, you have $1.25 billion plus … and Jonathan you aren’t too far behind… so what are you saving the money for? Tuna on rye? Today, they have told Americans that pulling funding from the Iron Dome is just fine… Israel doesn’t need to fend off fire… haven’t you worked so hard to sanctify that America’s future rests on Israel’s prerogative to defense? Will it go waste?”

Fridman gets a word in, “Neftali… Bibi… we were doing our best… we had guys in Congress sneaking our appropriation into a must-pass bill. Including this appropriation for additional weapons was a win-win, it would have furthered the military balance in our favor…

“Yes, we got beaten in trying to add a billion under the Iron Dome cover to the $3.8 billion we get in Foreign Military Financing and missile defense programs…

“Please don’t be hard on us… we are still Number One -- the largest recipient of U.S. taxpayer-funded weapons.

“Don’t panic my dears, our guys on the Hill are working… they’ll find ways to get us the billion… [House Appropriations chair Rep.] Rosa DeLauro is slipping the Dome fund in Congress' bipartisan fiscal year 2022 defense bill…”

“Yes, Mort, [House Majority Leader Steny] Hoyer has assured [Israeli foreign minister] Yair Lapid that the fund removal is only a technical delay, and will be ours soon… after all, we pay for what we get… all these Congress grandees know that any defiance to Israel means end of their run…

“You know we got the Dome done in 2016 under the Obama administration…”

Netanyahu angrily adds, “Mort, get these anti-Semitic bunch in a twist by getting at the $6.3 billion being marked to help resettle Afghan refugees. I say bargain… we get you your six billion only if we get our billion… and get the knives of the anti-Semitism factor going deep… anyone opposing us must not sit in any public seat in the U.S. of A. Period.”

Greenblat assures, “Guys, the [2022] mid-terms are right around the corner, and ADL is right now launching the Stop the Anti-Semitism Now campaign… our media kits are on way… our Congress kits are moving… surely, it will instill terror in the hearts of the wayward Congress members…”

Bennet adds, “Jonathan, get the guys to renew their Israeli loyalty oaths and get them top up the Stop the Anti-Semitism Now campaign… raise the decibel level to make the public fall in line. The American taxpayer lives to fund Israel. Period… let’s blaze forward. Enforce the silence with Stop the Anti-Semitism Now call. Mazel Tov.”