EVM, the Evil Machine!

The passage of the government amendments to the Elections Act, 2017, in the joint session of Parliament on November 17, allowing the use of electronic voting machines and granting voting rights to overseas Pakistanis was stoutly opposed by the Pakistan People Party (PPP) and Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N).

Especially affected are Sindh’s feudal lords (wadera). They have called an emergency meeting to calm their nerves and brood over their future.

Sindh Assembly speaker Agha Siraj Durrani, the chief organizer, dabbing his eyes as tears flow, offers, “This is a sad day for all of us. This position of speaker was first occupied by my father and uncle. God bless who invented a tranquilizer like Xanax, it is keeping my anxiety and panic disorders under control.

“My fullest appreciation for [PML-N president] Shehbaz Sharif who rightly termed electronic voting machines (EVMs) evil and vicious machines. Consider how much pain, we are experiencing, now imagine how much pain our ever-living Perpetual Lord and Master Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and Her Pristine Ladyship Shaheed Benazir Bhutto must be suffering that, from now on their votes would not be cast… and of course, an uncounted people of the interior Sindh must be turning in their graves for the same tragic deprivation.

“My family has been enjoying this speakership since it was bestowed upon us by our Perpetual Lord and Master. I and my family are forever indebted to his heirs that they respected his legacy. However, after this EVM thing, we don’t know how many of us will retain our heirloom… our assembly seats… imagine 2023 when instead of handing over their votes to us the [landless] tillers of our lands… the hari, will go and vote on the evil machine.

“I therefore propose that we launch our Wadera Action Front (WAF) to seek all possible help rid us of this evil…”

An unidentified voice calls out, “O Agha Sayin, may our Perpetual Lord and Master be pleased with you for this proposal. However, I see one problem. There is already one WAF in the country... Women Action Forum …”

“OK…OK… Let me ask who came first, wadera or women? Do they and have they ever mattered… I will take care of this… I will make an offer they cannot refuse that they rename themselves as Shaheed Benazir Bhutto Action Forum because it is an interchangeable word.

“At this juncture, I draw your attention to the golden words of our valiant hero, one who was blessed to live with Her Pristine Ladyship Shaheed Benazir Bhutto, Asif Ali Zardari that we were defeated because we lacked the expertise in buying parliamentarians. Certainly, I will ask our chief minister, Murad Ali Shah to make the sale and purchase of parliamentarians a compulsory subject in all Sindh schools and colleges.

“We need to strive hard to tell our people that electronic voting is un-Islamic. Our party is no longer part of the PDM (Pakistan Democratic Movement) but surely Maulana Fazlur Rehman is cheap to be had. We should have him issue a fatwa that only lawful vote is when hold your vote in your hand and deposit it in a box.