Pakistan, Pakistan, Pakistan…

PParchum Khan Afyonzai rues the dream life he had, being sartorial advisor to the now former Afghan president Ashraf Ghani. The once Saville Row suited advisor who sped through Kabul with a 16-car convoy, had camped before the now shutdown American embassy in Kabul, for two weeks hoping some secreted American functionary would spot him and get him to the U.S.

He has now turned expert of Afghan politics, once again hoping that international media would come knocking for his insights, of course for suitable renumeration.

Once again it was silent night, not the weapons related commotions that had been part of the city’s life for the past two decades. Unable, even to dream, he hallucinated that finally he had found the media mana, he yearned for, and Fox TV’s Tucker Carlson was interviewing him.

[Carlson: ‘Parchum… Mr. Afyonzai, you were President Ghani’s closest advisor more than so many Afghan experts coming on the television screens. You know how the world works. Here in my country, America, the communist staged a false flag operation on January 6 in Washington, D.C. to create an excuse for “Patriot Purge” and they are hunting the right wingers and sticking them in Guantanamo Bay… you know, the same prison where we had locked up many of the Taliban who are now sitting in cabinet positions.

‘So, who you think was behind the collapse of Ghani’s government?’]

“Pakistan… Pakistan… Pakistan… you know the ISI sent its agents to our villages… you know our villages are really medieval… they did not know if America was fighting their country… so these ISI agents went around whispering this in their ears… we Afghans are prone to whispers… like if you whisper into our ears that Bridget Bardot was a nun, we will believe that. If you see more than 90% of insurgents were Afghan villagers who were picking up arms.”

[‘Mr. Afyonzai, so this was Islamic terrorism against America and President Ghani?]

“Tucker, then what else! We had even become partial to bacon. Anytime we found any GIs interested in selling their MRE (meals-ready-to-eat), we would rush to buy them, if it was American bacon. The real taste of American heartland… bacon from Iowa.

“We Afghans would have loved to have American troops forever. Look at the sacrifices people like President Ghani, like Anwar ul-Haq Ahady, who left his Providence College professorship in Rhode Island to become finance minister and later head of Da Afghanistan Bank, the central bank of Afghanistan. And so many…

Why Afghans should not stop blaming Pakistan for the disaster they are going through. Simple, look at me. I lost my very high position. President Ghani would stand stark naked, till I came and advised him what to wear.”

[‘Mr. Afyonzai, what about the horrible predictions that I and, especially our Fox TV, were making about the Taliban?’]

“Tucker, you know these Taliban are a very cunning people. Like they said if we start smashing TV sets, and setting movie theaters afire, then we will have to spend on importing new ones, but they said how, when America is withholding their $9 billion reserves. Like, they did not massacre people wearing suits or anyone in Western style dress, because they calculated, if they kill them, they will need to find people who fit those left-behind clothes because they have run out of landfills for such stuff, when every landfill is needed for the garbage left behind by the American military.

“I may mention in passing that for decades, none of the journalists highlighted children in Afghanistan being killed by coalition bombs but now thankfully, the Western media is expressing their concern for them. Children deserve the best.

[‘Mr. Afyonzai, there were reports that President Ghani escaped with bags full of $169 million when Kabul was falling. Now the U.S. special inspector general for Afghanistan reconstruction has told a congressional subcommittee that his office would probe this…’]

“Tucker, again, I say Pakistan, Pakistan, Pakistan… President Ghani is more innocent than all of the Popes Innocent… but he was inspired by former president Asif Zardari and prime minister Nawaz Sharif next door, and their impressive real estate portfolios spread across countries. So, he too took the wages of his labours… ruling Afghanistan is not child’s play.

“Tucker, Afghan bravery was sabotaged, otherwise we stood like a rock with America’s $3 trillion support.”