Can’t Straighten Dogs Tails

Indian prime minister Narendra Modi is furious that Pakistani prime minister Imran Khan’s tweets charge that his government is a real and present threat to peace in the region. He is especially upset that Imran Khan said that minorities in India were at the target of extremist groups operating under the patronage of the ruling Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP).

Coming to his office, after fortifying himself with his favorite health drink, gao mutra, Modi summoned home minister Amit Shah, foreign minister Dr. Subrahmanyam Jaishankar, defense minister Rajnath Singh, the never-to-be-missed national security advisor Ajit Doval, foreign secretary Harsh Vardhan Shringla, Research and Analysis Wing (R&AW) secretary Samant Kumar Goel, and Intelligence Bureau (IB) director Arvind Kumar.

A foaming Modi asks the foreign minister, “Subrahmanyam, do you realize that these Imran tweets are a blatant attack on our ideology? Was the Pakistani ambassador summoned and issued a demarche? I say, we should summon Imran and shove that into his face!

“He keeps talking about issues of blasphemy and then turns around and vilifies a sainted figure [Hindutva leader] Yati Narsinghanand, and that too the holy man’s speech in Uttarakhand's pilgrimage city of Haridwar! Not just that, he also spoke against the venerable Swami Prabodhanand Giri (president of the Hindu Raksha Sena) … for what! Talking the language of the Hindu heart? And what wise words the Swami spoke that Like Myanmar, our police, our politicians, our army, and every Hindu must pick up weapons and conduct a safayi abhiyan (clean-up). There is no other option left."

Rajnath Singh takes permission and offers, “O Most Honored Pradahan Mantri, you lauded bravery in action against Pakistan, when you decorated Wing Commander Abhinandan for taking down an F-16. I would submit that you should honor Myanmar president Myint Swe with our highest civil honor, the Bharat Ratna, for showing the way to cleanup countries of Muslims.

“O Most Honored, after seeing the reports of the Haridwar convention, I wish I was there… not one, but multiple calls were made for killing non-Hindus and attacking their religious spaces.”

Doval adds, “O Most Honored, if we are serious about protecting… nay, advancing our ideology, we should jettison [first prime minister Jawaharlal] Nehru from our history. No Nehru, no… I should say spineless commitment before the UN to have a plebiscite in Kashmir… O Most Honored, you have scrubbed off Kashmir, and you should erase Nehru too. His abject surrender over Kashmir has and still costing us. Imagine, if Nehru had closed that case, then, we should have spent the money that we have spent on denying the plebiscite... invested that money for invading and annexing Nepal, Bhutan, Siri Lanka, Burma, and even Pakistan... Afghanistan.

“O Most Honored, I say that we should stop caring about Pakistan. Did Imran Khan get a concussion when he was playing? What… he is asking the international community to take notice of our holy calls and act against it. Wow… of course, he doesn’t have the money to buy what the international community wants to sell. O Most Honored, our foreign exchange reserves which you are using so judiciously to arm the nation to its teeth, takes care of his international community nonsense.”

Modi raises his goblet of gao mutra, and declares, “Indeed, Ajit, you have spoken like a true patriot… you are the pride of Hindutva… what I would say that doesn’t Imran own dogs… so doesn’t he know that whatever one may do, but you can’t ever straighten a dog’s tail. India is on the path of true Hindu glory… we are on the path of The Great Hindu Glory, nothing can change us… nothing can bend us… our resolve is as permanent as the curve in a dog’s tail!”