Rafales Get the Best Dirham

French President Emmanuel Macron’s $19 billion arms deal with the United Arab Emirates that will see the Gulf state acquire 80 Rafale fighter jets and 12 military helicopters has his country in joyous stupor.

The instant Rafales’ largest-ever overseas sale was sealed and shares in Dassault Aviation SA rose more than 9%.

Macron’s top challengers for 2022 rushed to felicitate him at the VIP lounge as they could not suppress their admiration. Proprietary lay in no one being seen lagging in lauding this momentous national gain. Understandably, the contenders included Marion Anne Perrine “Marine” Le Pen (president, National Rally), hard-right political talk-show star Eric Zemmour, who likens himself to former President Trump, Jean-Luc Mélenchon (La France Insoumise), Anne Hidalgo (Socialist Party), Yannick Jadot (Green Party), and Xavier Bertrand (Les Republicains).

Len Pen, the first to ask, using a French nickname for those named Emmanuel exclaims, “MiamMiam! (Yum, yum) … but Manu, how did you do it? This thing’s been dragging on for a decade!”
Zemmour interjects, “Yes, Manu, it is fantastic! You know, Napoleon didn’t call his own, but the British, a nation of shopkeepers… so how did you do it!”

Macron, to stress the importance of the situation, responds in English, “It was easy. I tell you; I carried a mini teargas capsule with me. As he was hugging me, I deftly released it on my face and started crying. He was so shaken that he took off his white thing… the tablecloth on their heads, which they call keffiyeh or ghutrah and started wiping my tears. In between tears, I told him what Joe [Biden] and Boris [Johnson] had done to me. They stole my $66 billion submarines deal with Australia.

“I told him that it even cost 3000 Australian jobs, not to speak of France, where scores of workers would be missing foie de gras pate with their dinners and even their Chateau Margaux while watching Kylian Mbappé play Ligue 1 for Paris Saint-Germain.

“I could see that he felt my pain, the pain of France... He said that he knows Americans are funny… he put back his keffiyeh soaked with my tears, and rued that Joe keeps telling him that he remains fully committed to a sale of fifth-generation F-35 Lightning II stealth fighter jets… and it’s just 50 of them for a mere $23 billion.

“I tell you MbZ was quite heartbroken that despite his immense love for Israel, the U.S., gave them 50 of the F-35s, but keeps him on hold. He kind of sounded, what Americans call ‘pissed off’ that when they participated in ‘Blue Flag’ exercises that Israel holds every two years, all he had to show were F-16s and Mirage 2000s. I told him the next time you have a military drill with Israel, you will have something to show…He smiled and said, oh, yes, in the school show-and-tell, I would always take a few of my hunting hawks carried by my liveried handlers.

“He was still not getting the hint, even when I dropped in the bit about tiny Qatar having bought 36 of ours. Of course, I was careful not to say that the UAE follow its Gulf rival’s lead.
“You know I had a secret weapon or two up my sleeve. I had Amandine Petit ensconced in my limousine…”

Mélenchon quickly asks, “You mean the Miss France 2021?”

Macron continues, “Let me come to it. The other thing was that I unboxed the Dom Pérignon Rose Gold 1996… the $50,000 bottle of joy! He was like the kid wanting to open his birthday gift. I said we need a joyous occasion to uncork it. Right then, I clicked my cell-phone and in walks Amandine carrying the contract on a crystal tray. There goes his pen, and he grabs the bottle to uncork it.
“I drop the hint that India too has 30 of these beauties. And he completes my sentence that he will ask Modi to assign Group Captain Varthaman Abhinandan, who was decorated with a Vir Chakra for downing a Pakistani F16 to train his pilots.

“And I raised my glass, saying, Rafales get the best Dirham.”