Not a Walk in the Park

By zara maqbool | November 2020

It is said somewhere that a marriage is like a walk in the park, the Jurassic Park, that is. Almost every other day various memes are exchanged, implicitly expressing how tough a marriage is.

Many therapists find that when they meet a couple in an initial session, the dynamics between the man and woman are quite obvious. Both give their own version of what went wrong, mostly indulging in demonic dialogue, sitting with pain and anger in their respective corners, blaming each other for being in a therapist’s office. They both seem to have already withdrawn from the relationship. But they seem to be making an effort to come together to repair the cracks as children are involved, or sometimes due to their own desire to rekindle what was extinguished.

The divorce rate in Pakistan is higher now compared to the 70s, 80s and 90s. Many say this is because women were more compromising back then. Many blame the feminist movement on the deterioration of the sacred institution of marriage. Today the percentage of educated women is far more than what it was before. Women are financially more independent with more supportive families who are willing to listen and support them, unlike in the earlier decades when the statement to the girl that ‘ab tumhari mayyat hi wapas aaye gi’ was actually a staunch belief. Today, women to some extent, may be less compromising than before but the question is what were they expected to compromise on?

Another factor was the joint family system that intervened and prevented the couple from taking any drastic action and this saved the marriage. What is important here to highlight is that though marriages then did not dissolve as much as they do now but marital problems were the same.

People are also more aware today and are more involved in their personal growth; they listen to Ted Talks, read psychology articles or seek therapy. Perhaps a few on the journey of self-growth forget to take their partner along or personal growth endeavours clashe with the growth of the marriage.

There is also too much interaction between couples before marriage now then it was in the earlier days. The term ‘the honeymoon period is over’ is common now and that is where the marriage starts. There has already been considerable interaction between the two before the marriage. After the honeymoon phase, there is dawn of the reality that how much more hard work is needed to maintain the relationship. This hits the married couple hard and they say ‘abhi tau shaadi hui hai’. They do not realize that they have already been behaving like a married couple even before getting married. Many couples live independently. This also tends to complicate relationships and make them toxic after marriage. The overwhelming situations faced by both the husband and wife may even drive them to take drastic actions and without much supportive intervention.

In earlier times, there was no concept of personal space or boundaries and everyone was into everyone’s business; the extended family would also chip in with their wisdom and care and try to resolve many issues.

Now couples want to maintain their own space and independently handle all their issues. They do not want to seek professional help though the situation may call for more than what they can handle, especially if a marriage has hit a dead end. On such occasions, external support is absolutely necessary.
Therapy itself is supposed to be taboo in Pakistan and, many times, couples feel that if they are seeking therapy, it means that their marriage must be over or almost over though this cannot be further form the truth.

Many couples today play along with decisions made by their parents so they stay together but unhappy. Such adults may also have unhappy childhood memories, like parents cheating, abuse and conflict, but the farce was maintained though they do not want the same for their children.

Marital problems have universally remained the same throughout history; domestic violence, infidelity, financial problems, substance abuse, misplaced commitments and, in our part of the world, over-involvement of the in-laws. Where such involvement saved many marriages in the earlier days, it now tends to destroy relationships. However, unlike before, when the couple would bear everything, today’s couples choose not to have much tolerance.

Most marriages can be saved in spite of problems, especially if the couple claims to have had a few good years or they don’t wait for too long to seek help.
Human beings are loving by nature and no man or woman likes to break a relationship unless it becomes unavoidable. Seeking divorce is not a decision that a couple makes impulsively and people should not be judged on the basis of taking that road.

Even if you feel you have tried everything to save your marriage and divorce is the only option, there is a very strong chance that you missed the very key that unlocks the door to a happy married life.

Relationship

Not a Walk in the Park

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